wake night one

Wake observance here in the Philippines is intense. One thing I like though is getting to see so many relatives and friends. I've meet a great uncle with awesome stories about when he was rich, living in santa monica. Those will be a series of blogs - here's some teasers...death by sex, "ling-ling", chicken ranch, popo and berettas, mcdonalds arrest...

I'm heading back in a few. A bunch of lovely local ladies just said some prayers and songs. Now they are feasting on some pancit molo and pata. Someone brought salad tonight too. Thank you Baby Jesus, Buddha, the divine, the universe, the flying spaghetti monster for that person's kindness. I get to eat tonight and have I missed lettuce.

I miss lettuce. When I get back to North America, I will be eating every green available.

I'm not sure whether I can do naked yoga this week, with people coming in and out of the compound. We'll see. I need to power yoga son regardless, I haven't been on my yogitoes in a while!

how

how can you celebrate
when all around you
people are suffering
there are empty tummies on the streets

how can you live
an unexsmined, comfortable life
when a woman
an excellent example of kindness
passes on and remind you just how short
life
is.

life.
the beautiful, confusing labyrinth of a series of breath
and circulations
steps and action
over the course
of a lifetime
whether by causation, determination
or by the action of the free moral agent

you are reading this
i am writing this
we are living.
so seize the moment
in awareness
do not put off for a tomorrow
that isn't even real
or live in the past
that is alive only in memory

live in the now
for that is all me have
and it is ever changing
irrecoverable
and ever beautiful
in the in the unglorious
painful
agonizing
moments
it is beautiful
because this is what we have
and our divine right
is to have our life
be as beautiful as we are
creative as we are
and
divine as we are.

Pass Peace

I kissed your forehead
and you were cold and hard
and for the first time
I was genuinely not afraid to die

I am braver now
I am stronger now
I know more of my self now
You are a big part of that awakening

Being around you has made
a great impact in my life
and I only wish I was here for you
in the moments I was
not
when I was sick
and uncle told me to stay away
screw him, I should have lingered
but I know, he didn't have bad intentions
and didn't know you would be passing on tonight

I celebrate you
Deeply
I ring the bells of joy in my heart
joie de vivire
or however the french say
I will remember you in my joy of life

I will remember you asking me what I ate
even in your most painful moments
remembering to feed
your already overfed granddadughter
visiting you from the states
lovesick, heartbroken and you mending the pieces
and recognizing a deeper sadness within my soul

you the one who was deaf, probably the best listener of all.
No wonder it is great to talk to dogs or pets
and you feel like they listen
and they don't have to say anything.
Most of the time, you just want someone to listen
and share a moment with you
people want to open up

I want to contact so many people
and i will
clear things up and leave them in their peace
and myself in the peace
that has always been mine
that sometimes I have left
or forgotten
or been blocked from
by my own
attachment
suspicions
needs
self inflicted suffering

Death, your death, has humbled me
and forever I celebrate life
the chance to be living
your life and your being so kindly in the world
to give arise to my own soul
and experience
and to learn what life has taught you in 91+ years

I love you, I want to eat a bucket full of barquillos but it's not time for emotional eating when what needs to be expressed is that I'll miss you, I didn't get to say and tell you all the love I had for you but I know in our moments I expressed them to you and meant them so now that you are not living among mortals but have met whatever awaits us, I ask you to be in peace and I pray for your peace, the peace of your soul and celebrate you!!!!

More than ever it's time to realize the divine potention and go for "your ambitions" as you would have said.

RIP

RIP Alicia Hizo Jardiolin, 24 April 2009 about 6:10PM Pavia, Iloilo, Philippines

I just finished the rosary with my father. It's the first time I've prayed seriously, not even being Catholic anymore. I calmly sweated a mosquito gorging on my blood, it's desperately itchy now.

It's my first time seeing rigor mortis in person. I'm not afraid though. Coming back to the Philippines, people would always share ghost stories with me. I would be frequently scared. Now, if I would say I would be scared of anything it would be not really living, not taking risks, always playing safe. Whether I end up staying here a day, a week or a month more I'm so happy to be here now and have had the opportunity to be with Lola.

I was shopping with Sheilla, looking for a ruffle skirt for dance class. When I got home from a light-hearted day of shopping, my manang told me my lola had passed away. I was in shock and in disbelieve. She has been weak for about a year now and I am happy to see her in a restful place. Really. Actually, I was afraid I wouldn't cry and then I realized that was bullshit. So what if I cried or I didn't, that doesn't mean I don't love or miss Lola. It is so easy to pass judgment on simple actions but soon you get to be mature enough where none of that matters. Death is a reality.

There is much I wanted to say to her, especially in these few days that I've been sick but I'm glad we were able to be together at this time, sharing our stories.

Stories and memories are what I have left of my lola. Amazing, funny stories. No matter how weak lola was, she had an amazing memory. Manang Jenny told me about grandma's vision of her judgment, in a beautiful garden with a TV playing her sins before her. Grandma was not perfect or sinless. No one is perfect but if I ever had an example of forgiveness, kindness and compassion it is my lola.

My brother and I call her angel face. She is the one who would feed pidgeons and bluejays on our deck. The one who put a ruler gently to my head and told me to sit up straight. I will correct my posture for her. She's given me advice about boys, I can't remember all of it but that I need a presentable man, I need to be a professional and not just look for looks.

Above all, my great lesson that she has given me is the ability to listen, really listen to a person and that "life is short."

I think it's a perfect time to start a book in Lola's honor at her funeral as a rememberance, I'll pick up a diary today.

Life is short and I celebrate you Alicia Hizo Jardiolin, may your soul eternally rest in peace and your kindness live on in my life and those that have known and loved you.

No matter a persons faults, Lola seemed to love unconditionally. I get that from her and her love of dropping deuces. I definitely get that from her. And my eyebrows and great hair, definitely grandma helped in that department :)

I love you forever Lola. Be with peace. Shalom. Paz. Every good blessing in the world.

As in...

What a day. I just came back from a restaurant opening where I was standing outside evaluating what to eat by the burners when a surge of fire erupted from a leaking pipe and onto my face, I felt warm and kinda stood there for a slow split second before I realized I was on fire.

I am unharmed, I think and oh so grateful. I should have been more scared. I was tired I guess.

I was at a mango fetival, the mangahhan or manggahan, i think it's the later, today. It was on the island of Guimeras, a 12 peso ride from Iloilo. Riding on the sea to the next island make you appreciate the fact that so many islands comprimise the Philippines, 7,100ish. There was a senator/movie start that made an appreance at the port. I have no idea who he was, it was an eye opening experience seeing a crowd of at least a 1,000 simultaneously go balistic for some celebrity that just looks like some regular, handsome looking guy with sunglasses on.

I still am so thankful to survive a fire. I was telling my dad about all this weird stuff happening and he gave me a good point. "Just be thankful that's it."

After my fire experience, Papa says I'm a magician.

Note: People say "as in" a lot here, I have yet to translate it. I think it's like a valley, "for sure." Research pending...

Rant

This is definitely a rant.

I feel miserable. I missed most of my dance class today. My sunburns are peeling and I may have a throat infection. My toilet is clogged up and I took just took a shit.

What does the law of attraction say about bad days?

Planning a fast

So I had a run and coconut juice "feast" planned and then I find out we have been blessed with probably 50 kilos of the freshest "kamojus" available. Like straight off my uncle's boat, delivered by car, ceviched and straight to my belly. Kamojus sashimi, ceviche, kinilao (like poke/tropical ceviche), broiled kamojus, fried kamojus...

This kinilao I learned would be best served with a shot of icy rhum. And all of this is local, can you believe it! It’s nearly impossible not to feel so connected and thankful to nature when you are surrounded by local, fresh, seasonal food. The Japanese probably have a word for it and maybe there is even one in Ilonggo, if not I’ll make one up. I know people who dream about living in a place like this. I am.

"It's like New Year," one of the guys told me. I definitely concur, my fast will just wait for another day...
And to add to the feast, I had some super sweet mangos with sweet rice and coconut milk cooked in leaves...THIS is the life.

The past couple days have been sparse with food, veggies from the garden, finishing up fruit from the market...mangosteen is no longer in season, wait until next year for mangosteen tea. Then you are given this kind of meal and it feels like a harvest celebration. My hips want to move to celebrate the bounty of food!!!!

Now we are in the middle of a brown out, this might not save but luckily the laptop has been charging. Batteries are amazing. Energy frequently goes out here. I more deeply appreciate sources of energy.
The dogs are starting to come around, maybe it’s because I feed them.

picking your nose

I picked my nose the other day. Fully expecting one of those booger removing, relaxing, nostril de-clogging relieving moments I could wax poetic about instead I met my first bloody nose in over two years at least.

Now I'm congested, I could blame it on the moody, capricious heat but I know I shouldn't have stuck a finger up my nose. My only relief today was a near liter of strawberry green tea from my favorite baby ann with some dark tropical honey. The honey here is so of the best I've tried.

Today, I finally got to catch a vegetarian meal at the Sikh temple. Ilonngas cooking Dal and Basmati Rice, Indian guys speaking Ilonggo...what a great convergence. They put ghee in the Chapati here. What I have noticed though is how tired I get after a cooked Indian meal. It's so strange. Hearing near perfect Ilonggo coming out of an Indian guys mouth is a glorious WTF moment. One of the cooks introduced herself to me as Evelyn Singh, a Filipina widow once married to a Mr. Singh. The friendliness and generosity of the human spirit still amazes me. It still remains that you should trust no one but when great people give you reasons to love humanity, how can you resist.

I ended up engaging in a dancesport bootcamp yesterday. Even after a full body massage, my soleus is screaming and a tightness and pain dancing through my hamstrings, leaving my latissimus dorsi on fire and finishing of with near choking pain in my neck.

In yoga, we talk about the stupid things we do in an effort to exercise, nearly commit massacre to the body and jamming ourselves into strange positions, painful contortions. Where's the balance though. Where can you meet not enough effort and too much. Both are rendered useless, that balance is required. In yoga as in relationships, we need to be kind to ourselves, listen to what our bodies are telling us and make love to our oldest lover - ourselves.

Planning a trip to Indonesia in July, if you've found this and you are free. Contact me!




Dance and green juice tomorrow. I'm so excited for vegetables.

actual quote

We can’t go around measuring our goodness by what we don’t do, by what we deny ourselves, by what we resist and who we exclude; I think we got to measure goodness by what we embrace, by what we create, and who we enclude.

ohh and here's a great frank zappa one...

If you wind up with a boring, miserable life because you listened to your mom, your dad, your teacher, your priest or some guy on TV telling you how to do your shit, then YOU DESERVE IT

Chocolat.

Sensual. Decadent. Luxurious.

Let us not measure our goodness by what we don't include but rather by what we do welcome into our lives. Let us eat Chocolat.

Lick every last morself from your lips. Savor the brown velvet dancing with your tongue, cascading through your insides, awakening the passion, the want, the desire.

Chocolate is one of my favorite chemicals and opens up one of my top 10 taste experiences.

Watching a movie all about the power of Chocolate, tolerance, welcoming, staying true to yourself, not giving a shit about what someone thinks or expects and getting to watch Johnny Depp...my idea of a chick flick homie.

Running on Good Friday

I ran today and found stations of the cross along my path. It is my first Good Friday in a predominantly Catholic country. Yesterday I celebrated passover with the jews, visitied a sikh temple and samba'ed my hips out. My hip gyration are undulating in my effort to summon goddess energy. I want to tap into that goddess energy.

Today, I will observe some fasting with the Catholics. SOME FASTING. I already picked berries for breakfast and the ripening mangoes in my room are calling me again.

In my black moisture wicking, high tech garb, I walked past strangers rubbing their beer bellies and families picking vegetables in the streams, babies running after chickens, and sun dried frog carcasses. I fed the ducks and chickens who joined me some delicious, almost fermenting sweet corn.

My body is sore but not in a sweet sore way like with yoga, more like an exhausted way. I will yoga shortly.

I am mysterious today, friendly but mysterious. Sometimes the silence pays off. Especially, when you want to stay with some thought and internalization..... It's playing a game a little but not putting all you cards face up is a good thing I've come to learn. As Ito once advised me, evaluate before you put your heart out there. i used to think that being kind meant putting your heart out there but you have to be kind to yourself too.

I can still feel my hips rotating, articulating the acetabulum like never before. I love how dancers are so uninhibited with their bodies but am baffled at how at they are simulatenously so critical of themselves. A 100 pound girl with a phenomenal body will claim to be a piggie while anyone over 110 is "the fat one" or "the chubby". It is easy to see why aneroxia happens among dancers, lines look better if you are long and lean. At least there is belly dancing, where as my dance guru said, I would be good for because I have a belly.

Here, people tell you that your chubby, fat or big like as if you have never looked into a mirror. Upon walking into a front door, don't be surprised if you hear,"Ay! Tambok gid ikaw no?" (Whoa! You are fat huh!) I wonder how cultural statements like these play into the statistics of food disorders. But maybe disorders aren't even considered when people simply don't have enough to eat sometimes. Or could be perhaps empower, so yeah I'm bigger than you kiss my luscious fat ass you emaciated mass.

I read about this trend of doing random acts of kindness on dates! I think it's a rather phenomenal idea and something I would readily do. Now to welcome a date...

Keisha Cole also reminded me to "let it go." "If he ain't gonna treat you the way he should then let it go."

Let it go. So continues the stream of consciousness

I want some durian.

Morning

I heard from a friend this morning about parallel dimension which reminded me about fatalism and magical realism. I'm here in the Philippines where elders talk about their being fairies in the trees as matter of factly as a discussion on the crops of the season.

I'm living in Pavia, Iloilo the agro-industrial hub here on the Island. I pass the coca cola factory and rice fields on my way home. Yesterday, on my jog I met to little girls picking tankong from a dried up resting rice field asking me what church i go to. They told me they go to Agape, I wonder if its anything like agape in Culver City.

My morning crustacean has not released yet. To shit or not to shit in a humid, bathroom. I guess I'm still heavily westernized especially when it comes to private moments.

I'm sweetly sore from a sensual samba. I love dancing. my dance instructor is phenomenal and sexy and younger than me. I could have a girl crush on her.

Tapping into the dancer within, I'm so happy to be filipina. I'm just so grateful to be alive. I attemped some meditation today and lasted a few minutes getting to the point where i could feel the aliveness inside my being.

I'm deciding whether to fall back to sleep, yoga and run or do some more writing. I'll wing it I'm sure. I'll just make sure to do my job and the rest with come.

Passing it on

Independent, free thinking, sometimes brazen, mistake embracing, adventurous, sometimes scared but ready....for life.

I'm more reconnected than ever. It took someone else reaching out to me to recognize my strength. Funny how shit like this works out. This is the woman I've been all along, hello self. I'm so incredibly happy to help someone one their journey wholeheartedly when I can and when they are genuinely reaching out. Of course, you wouldn't want to rob someone of an experience but rather show them what they already know. Lead them to their own answer.

Here was today's question? I have feelings for someone but the feelings are not reciprocated. Is it time to move on from a relationship or continue reaching somewhere between hope and madness for someone who is not giving you the kind of relationship you want or deserve? I'm sure you know my answer but it was more important to find out there's.

So, I think in this situation you must first 1. Define what you want. Knowing what you want makes what you don't want clear. Sometimes listing your wants or non-negotiables is enough to see that you do not need a douche or diva in your life creating a spectrum of drama and self-doubt. Love should help you evolve not devolve, grow not shrink away. When you get to the point that you realize or even have that pestering doubt, recognize this and act accordingly.
2. Date to have fun. DATING is so FUN!!! Going out, first kisses, sweet embraces...dating is such a spectacular thing. Be fun, have fun, Enjoy yourself and your partner.
3. When you find someone that you want to have something develop with let what you want be known, at the appropriate time. I say appropriate 'cause it's really about timing and if in the end you fuck up, So what?
4. The Game. To play or not to play is up to the player. How much game is required to snag the right mate and what amount of game playing constitutes inauthenticity is entirely relative. The teasing, manipulating, control, sweet torture....I really can't say enough about the game. Sure, I know some rules, including Strauss' book and luckily know enough honest men who can provide great albeit sometimes overprotective insight but I guess bottom line is you just need to watch yourself, don't be afraid to put yourself out there and make an effort not to give more than what you want. When a person gives as much as they want to without an expectation of return but simply because they just want to give whatever it is regardlesss of the outcome, I think its refreshing and freeing. There is so much expectation and pressure nowadays. Enjoy the present.
5. I think I'm saying to much. Really what I could do is just combine one and five into a grand statment. Define what you want and if your partner is unable or unwilling to give it to you then move on.

In the great words of Ronen, NEXT!!!....

No experience is wasted!! That's a tremendous burden lifted. No matter how much you fuck up you learn. Live, learn, laugh and love in the process.

Life is beautiful.

i had a lucid epiphany today. A person is not their emotions and it is entirely up to a person how they decide to react to the manifestation of their emotional mind.

Yoga soon, if I don't fall asleep first.

There is a clit in my room

***
Giti vs. Giting.

Giti is a word in Ilonggo that best translate to a young firm clit. It would be categorize as a "bastos" term or derrogatory slang. It would not be appropriate to say your are looking for 'giti' (clit) like you could say a guy is chasing pussy but you could however use it to refer to a woman in some cases.

Giting, if I am spelling it correctly, is the name for the fast as the flash mice that are abundant. One welcomed me into my room and even after his home was removed, the speedy little mouse found his way back into my room during a power yoga session.

So, when I saw him again, I screamed and ran out of my room declaring "Mai Giti sa kuarto ko. (There is a clit in my room)" instead of saying there was a mouse in my room. There is a clit in my room. I wonder if anyone else has ever said that before.

There are lot of onomaetopia-esque words in Ilonggo. They sounds like what they mean. Giti, already sounds like it is referring to something small, somewhat precious or in this case deeply important and vital!!

Tita Carmen

I got some class today. C L A S S.

I had a chance to hang with Tita Carmen. She is over 70 and simply one of the classiest ladies I've met. Well-educated, great conversationalist, independent, well-read, stylish, epicurean, well-traveled...

I really like her. I felt instantly bonded with her when we first met. Coming through her doors I felt a kinship. Her space is definitely one of a collector and historian. She has plates from the Ming Dynasty, beautiful antique furniture pieces, art and a sense of her personality in everything she owns! Her skin is of course immaculate and the quality of convesation par none. She taught me so much about Iloilo within minutes and gifted me with a book about the Dutch settlement in the local town of Oton, well before the times of Spanish Colonization.

It's important to focus on what you are passionate about she told me. In the context of general education for example, she told me about her experience having to study or try to memorize something you have absolutely no interest in. No matter what you do it doesn't stick. In my experience and after talking with my brilliant brother, it seems in these situations you can take something like your interest in learning to drive you through a dry, monotonous class or in my brother's case just make an effort to prove to yourself you can take on a challenge and rock the shit outta it.

But going back to Tita Carmen, yes I agree with her, people simply have certain talents, skills, and abilities. Why not cultivate our strengths? I mean, yes, of course work on your weaknesses as well, but by gosh why not put the most effort into something you are already talented in and share it with the world.

You're beautiful, well-educated, from a good family she said, why would you settle for just any man. It's ladies choice 'hija'. You have to watch how a man treats you and you definitely do not want a lazy man or a mama's boy. You choose where you make your bed, she continued, so why would you lie where you are not wanted. You make your own bed. If you are not liking that bed, then MOVE ON!!!! Why? Why would you short change yourself? Why would you compromise your dignity?

In the words of He's just not that into you, save the pretty!!

Dating, she tells me, is paramount. Nowadays men will simply ask you to bed, but with me, you'd have to "court" me first, how would I know anything about you.

I'm three times your age "hija", learn from my experience.

She says to look for a man you loves you and works hard before looks. She said to watch how a man treats you.

We had some deliciou veggie soup and I finally found some amazing tropical honey with her help.

douche free

I am spectacular and a whole lot more liberated. I have more mosquito bites than I can count and am in need of lavender lotion badly.

What I do know now is that I can be douche free. It feels so good to respect yourself :)

soul washed up

My soul washed up on the shore of tomorrow. Was I happy? Was I excited? I want to wait up excited and be excited, be exciting. I feel nauseous and I'm too comfortable to vomit. What is with this time?

I need results, activity, productivity, efficiency. I want to be committed and loving what I am doing, I am that now.

Commitment, passion, integrity, meaning in my actions.

I do take myself seriously. Fuck man, if not me than who?

Being bored as the almost drunk guy told me is psychological. It's all about the mind.

What the fuck?

What the fuck am I doing here? Seriously, what did I do today? I mean yes it is amazing here and gorgeous, but just as my cousin told me it's almost TOO COMFORTABLE! Like when you have it so comfortable, sometimes you miss the challenge and the stimulation.

I just came from the kitchen where one of the guys was drinking away his troubles with some authentic philippine rhum. High quality stuff on the rocks.

What the fuck am I doing here? It's difficult to project happiness at this time.

I want home.

tarantula in the bathroom

The afternoon sun was just starting its descent and there I sat appreciating the rare breeze on a thursday afternoon in Iloilo. I've been drinking liters of coconut water and holding my latest pee for what seemed like a few eternities at least.

I was bursting and ran furiously to my room and the awaiting salvation. Casting my pants aside and peeling of my underwear quick, I sat on the toilet. Glancing at the hideous Bermuda themed vinyl shower curtain I found a resting tarantula eavesdropping on an intimate moment. I quickly jumped up from the toilet, having a bladder half full of urine. I haven't screamed so much in a while.

Needless to say, the entire shut down of urination gave me an official welcome to the jungle.

People want love

People want love. This seems evident in many of the people I've spoken to across oceans and continents, Developed vs. Developing nations, formal education vs. life experience, multiple religious or spiritual backgrounds. Love transcend variables and differences. What is it about love?

Whether young, spoiled and disenfrachised or within a country rampant with malnourishment and poverty, people still talk about love. Love and the discussion of it seems to be thread that connects us all. Gandhi once wrote "love is the strongest force the world possesses and yet it is the humblest imaginable."

Strong but humble. Steadfast yet elastic. The more you venture into a study or evaluation of love, there seems to be so many facets as well as an inherent duality. I focus on this a lot in yoga too. Doing a certain asana (pose) and focusing on the breathe, the body seems to naturally deepen into a pose. One pose you may find yourself rooting to the earth on your standing leg and stretching your hands as if the heavens are pulling you up by your fingers.

Duality. So does this mean I need to celebrate indifference because without it there is no love.

I need to ponder this awhile.